Chapter 122

HehadarrangedtomeetSallyonSaturdayintheNationalGallery.Shewastocomethereassoonasshewasreleasedfromtheshopandhadagreedtolunchwithhim.Twodayshadpassedsincehehadseenher,andhisexultationhadnotlefthimforamoment.Itwasbecauseherejoicedinthefeelingthathehadnotattemptedtoseeher.Hehadrepeatedtohimselfexactlywhathewouldsaytoherandhowheshouldsayit.Nowhisimpatiencewasunbearable.HehadwrittentoDoctorSouthandhadinhispocketatelegramfromhimreceivedthatmorning:「Sackingthemumpishfool.Whenwillyoucome?」PhilipwalkedalongParliamentStreet.Itwasafineday,andtherewasabright,frostysunwhichmadethelightdanceinthestreet.Itwascrowded.Therewasatenuousmistinthedistance,anditsoftenedexquisitelythenoblelinesofthebuildings.HecrossedTrafalgarSquare.Suddenlyhisheartgaveasortoftwistinhisbody;hesawawomaninfrontofhimwhohethoughtwasMildred.Shehadthesamefigure,andshewalkedwiththatslightdraggingofthefeetwhichwassocharacteristicofher.Withoutthinking,butwithabeatingheart,hehurriedtillhecamealongside,andthen,whenthewomanturned,hesawitwassomeoneunknowntohim.Itwasthefaceofamucholderperson,withalined,yellowskin.Heslackenedhispace.Hewasinfinitelyrelieved,butitwasnotonlyreliefthathefelt;itwasdisappointmenttoo;hewasseizedwithhorrorofhimself.Wouldheneverbefreefromthatpassion?Atthebottomofhisheart,notwithstandingeverything,hefeltthatastrange,desperatethirstforthatvilewomanwouldalwayslinger.Thatlovehadcausedhimsomuchsufferingthatheknewhewouldnever,neverquitebefreeofit.Onlydeathcouldfinallyassuagehisdesire.

Buthewrenchedthepangfromhisheart.HethoughtofSally,withherkindblueeyes;andhislipsunconsciouslyformedthemselvesintoasmile.HewalkedupthestepsoftheNationalGalleryandsatdowninthefirstroom,sothatheshouldseeherthemomentshecamein.Italwayscomfortedhimtogetamongpictures.Helookedatnoneinparticular,butallowedthemagnificenceoftheircolour,thebeautyoftheirlines,toworkuponhissoul.HisimaginationwasbusywithSally.ItwouldbepleasanttotakeherawayfromthatLondoninwhichsheseemedanunusualfigure,likeacornflowerinashopamongorchidsandazaleas;hehadlearnedintheKentishhop-fieldthatshedidnotbelongtothetown;andhewassurethatshewouldblossomunderthesoftskiesofDorsettoararerbeauty.Shecamein,andhegotuptomeether.Shewasinblack,withwhitecuffsatherwristsandalawncollarroundherneck.Theyshookhands.

「Haveyoubeenwaitinglong?」

「No.Tenminutes.Areyouhungry?」

「Notvery.」

「Let』ssithereforabit,shallwe?」

「Ifyoulike.」

Theysatquietly,sidebyside,withoutspeaking.Philipenjoyedhavinghernearhim.Hewaswarmedbyherradianthealth.Aglowoflifeseemedlikeanaureoletoshineabouther.

「Well,howhaveyoubeen?」hesaidatlast,withalittlesmile.

「Oh,it』sallright.Itwasafalsealarm.」

「Wasit?」

「Aren』tyouglad?」

Anextraordinarysensationfilledhim.HehadfeltcertainthatSally』ssuspicionwaswell-founded;ithadneveroccurredtohimforaninstantthattherewasapossibilityoferror.Allhisplansweresuddenlyoverthrown,andtheexistence,soelaboratelypictured,wasnomorethanadreamwhichwouldneverberealised.Hewasfreeoncemore.Free!Heneedgiveupnoneofhisprojects,andlifestillwasinhishandsforhimtodowhathelikedwith.Hefeltnoexhilaration,butonlydismay.Hisheartsank.Thefuturestretchedoutbeforehimindesolateemptiness.Itwasasthoughhehadsailedformanyyearsoveragreatwasteofwaters,withperilandprivation,andatlasthadcomeuponafairhaven,butashewasabouttoenter,somecontrarywindhadarisenanddrovehimoutagainintotheopensea;andbecausehehadlethisminddwellonthesesoftmeadsandpleasantwoodsoftheland,thevastdesertsoftheoceanfilledhimwithanguish.Hecouldnotconfrontagainthelonelinessandthetempest.Sallylookedathimwithhercleareyes.

「Aren』tyouglad?」sheaskedagain.「Ithoughtyou』dbeaspleasedasPunch.」

Hemethergazehaggardly.「I』mnotsure,」hemuttered.

「Youarefunny.Mostmenwould.」

Herealisedthathehaddeceivedhimself;itwasnoself-sacrificethathaddrivenhimtothinkofmarrying,butthedesireforawifeandahomeandlove;andnowthatitallseemedtoslipthroughhisfingershewasseizedwithdespair.Hewantedallthatmorethananythingintheworld.WhatdidhecareforSpainanditscities,Cordova,Toledo,Leon;whattohimwerethepagodasofBurmahandthelagoonsofSouthSeaIslands?Americawashereandnow.Itseemedtohimthatallhislifehehadfollowedtheidealsthatotherpeople,bytheirwordsortheirwritings,hadinstilledintohim,andneverthedesiresofhisownheart.Alwayshiscoursehadbeenswayedbywhathethoughtheshoulddoandneverbywhathewantedwithhiswholesoultodo.Heputallthatasidenowwithagestureofimpatience.Hehadlivedalwaysinthefuture,andthepresentalways,alwayshadslippedthroughhisfingers.Hisideals?Hethoughtofhisdesiretomakeadesign,intricateandbeautiful,outofthemyriad,meaninglessfactsoflife:hadhenotseenalsothatthesimplestpattern,thatinwhichamanwasborn,worked,married,hadchildren,anddied,waslikewisethemostperfect?Itmightbethattosurrendertohappinesswastoacceptdefeat,butitwasadefeatbetterthanmanyvictories.

HeglancedquicklyatSally,hewonderedwhatshewasthinking,andthenlookedawayagain.

「Iwasgoingtoaskyoutomarryme,」hesaid.

「Ithoughtp』rapsyoumight,butIshouldn』thavelikedtostandinyourway.」

「Youwouldn』thavedonethat.」

「Howaboutyourtravels,Spainandallthat?」

「Howd』youknowIwanttotravel?」

「Ioughttoknowsomethingaboutit.I』veheardyouandDadtalkaboutittillyouwereblueintheface.」

「Idon』tcareadamnaboutallthat.」Hepausedforaninstantandthenspokeinalow,hoarsewhisper.「Idon』twanttoleaveyou!Ican』tleaveyou.」

Shedidnotanswer.Hecouldnottellwhatshethought.

「Iwonderifyou』llmarryme,Sally.」

Shedidnotmoveandtherewasnoflickerofemotiononherface,butshedidnotlookathimwhensheanswered.

「Ifyoulike.」

「Don』tyouwantto?」

「Oh,ofcourseI』dliketohaveahouseofmyown,andit』sabouttimeIwassettlingdown.」

Hesmiledalittle.Heknewherprettywellbynow,andhermannerdidnotsurprisehim.

「Butdon』tyouwanttomarryME?」

「There』snooneelseIwouldmarry.」

「Thenthatsettlesit.」

「MotherandDadwillbesurprised,won』tthey?」

「I』msohappy.」

「Iwantmylunch,」shesaid.

「Dear!」

Hesmiledandtookherhandandpressedit.Theygotupandwalkedoutofthegallery.TheystoodforamomentatthebalustradeandlookedatTrafalgarSquare.Cabsandomnibuseshurriedtoandfro,andcrowdspassed,hasteningineverydirection,andthesunwasshining.

TheEnd